Super Power

I don't know about other women, but one thing motherhood has really done for me is opened my eyes on how strong God made women. I think about this today as I have one of my migraines. As most of you know when a stay at home mom is sick she cannot just call off work. Oh no, her job has to be done no matter what. And at those times when I feel like I just can't get the job done I get this inner strength to press on. The type of strength that I know comes from God given to women to do their job as a mother. Just like the strength he has given our men to work long hard hours and still manage to get up and do it all over again (of course I am not saying women cannot do this). But, before Madi I didn't know of this strength at all. I mean I would push myself to do certain things but not to the point I do in the long hours of raising her. To this day I have NEVER fallen asleep before her. I make sure she is asleep, safe and sound before I shut my eyes.
And of course it can be stressful and it takes a toll on you mentally, physically and emotionally but you always manage to get what needs to be done...done. However, it is such a wonderful gift that God has given us as women. We are nurturing, loving, gentle and can even crack the whip and give "the look" when need be!

Like my gynecologist says "God made you women to give birth because us men are wimps!"
Gotta Love that man!
Psalm 113:9
He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD.

Happily Ever After...for Whom?

...The three of us.

This photo was taken at my church for Madi's dedication. Although it was one of the most important days I have had as a parent, I look at this picture and see the truth about our situation. I am FAT & unhappy with myself, Andy's probably not all that happy either and Madi looks troubled. And I know it's just the way the picture captured her and the black and white doesn't help matters, but it tells a story to me.

As some of you know already I have had some issues lately and have been a little down. I remember when hippies used to say they were "finding themselves" and how bizarre that sounded. Well, last year I came to know exactly how they felt minus the acid trip, lol!
Having Madi come into my life has been the best thing that has EVER happened to me. But, from the day she was born I have made her my whole life. I literally would not take my eyes off of her as an infant in fear of her choking...she later was diagnosed with acid reflux. And it just goes on and on. Never wanted to leave her even for an hour. So, what I thought was being a good mother was taking attention away from my marriage and my own identity as a person. I started getting lonely, empty, overwhelmed and FAT. And don't misunderstand me, as a Mom I was (and remain) on cloud 9. Would not trade it for the world! But as a woman, I started fading and sinking into a depression I have never experienced before.

This past summer I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I felt like running...but where? I took some time out for myself and reunited with some old friends, found a little piece of AMY again and lost the weight.

Did this solve everything? NO! But it did help a great deal. I started dressing the way I wanted to again. As a woman...for myself.
Sometimes we just have to take a break. I also have arthritis from giving birth and at 36 this can be a real bummer if I let it. I am so determined not to let this get me that I stay on my feet ALL day.
To make this long story short I would have days of should I stay or should I go. Should I throw in the towel and just start over? Can I get out of this rut, stay and Make this work? How do I balance myself between Andy and Madi?
I never knew how hard physically, mentally and emotionally being a stay at home mom could be. But I do know it is a gift, blessing and a privilege. So, I am trying to find the balance in being mom,wife and Amy. I am seeing things in a positive light, feeling blessed and taking it one day at a time.
Life is not just about her:

Him:

Or Me:
But the three of us...together...as a family.

So as my friend brought to my attention, which makes for the better story? A woman who finds herself again, starts a new life, independence, career, all on her own etc. Or, a story of people who take the road less traveled~for "better or worse" keeping a home unbroken?
Keep in mind:
Being a stay at home mom isn't always glamorous and marriage is daily work. And that marriages aren't really as pristine as they appear in the confines of church.
Like I have said before, I don't mind sharing my problems, we all have them and I hope if nothing else this will help other women know they are not alone in these struggles.
Thank you all for your prayers, comments, calls, hugs, tough love, emails or however it is you have helped me. I truly appreciate it.

*Again I am in no way saying if you are a divorced, single parent that you made the wrong choice.

Madi's Prayer

As I have said in previous posts I have been struggling with some personal battles lately and I have come (hopefully) to terms with it. It's not a new epiphany I have recently had or anything like that, something I have been feeling all along. As a parent we say we would do ANYTHING for our children; die for them. So, I need to focus and realize I have had my carefree fun time in life and now it's more about her. Andy & I have had our party phase, honeymoon phase, travel phase, rock concert phase, working too much phase...you name it! Now it's family time. There are certain areas that I am not happy with and I'll be honest with you, it needs to be worked out.
(this is what I bet her prayer would sound like)

Dear lord Jesus,
Thank you for my home, clothing, food, family & health.
I pray Lord for a loving home with my Mom & my Dad together. For a place where I can feel safe, loved, grow & strive to be my very best. A place where birthdays and holidays are not split up between homes. A place where people do not raise their voices in anger but rather talk out their problems with respect. I pray that the stress of everyday life doesn't get in the way of our love for one another. I pray that my Dad will have confidence as our provider and leader. I pray that my Mom will become more independent but not to the point of not having enough time for me. I want my Mom to be happy and playful not sad and uptight. I pray that my Mom will be my friend as well as my parent and that I can always cry on my Daddy's shoulder. And And I know Lord that with your love and guidance all of the above is possible.
In Jesus name I pray, Amen.
After all isn't this what any child wants.
*This is only about MY situation I do not judge others for divorce etc...I am by no means a hypocrite*

This...is my story. (part 1)

1 Peter

5:8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
5:9 Whom resist stedfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world.
5:10 But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.

As a Christian since 1993, I never thought in my entire life something like this would happen to me. So be sure and never get too self-righteous to where you think this could never happen to you.
Why I have been gone so long is because of marital trouble. Our marriage is not perfect...but far from terrible. I have several issues I will be talking about and I hope I do this justice and help others if possible.

First topic~Marriage

*I hope I can put faces and names on this for all of you who are in the same situation.
It wasn't that "Fred" and I were doing anything wrong in our marriage we just stopped "working" on it. We became very content in our lives and took each others kind works for granted. We did this to the extreme to the point of making each other almost invisible sometimes in the home. Always in different rooms doing different things, etc.
I let this with some other issues bother me so much...I have moved out.
I will elaborate more on my next post.

Thank You...

I am SO thankful to have such a great group of friends here who are Christians and pray for me. Ever since we made the decision to dedicate Pebbles, I feel I have been under attack. Satan has put thoughts in my head that I never would have dreamed of thinking about. This sounds crazy to a lot of people but I know you all know where I'm coming from.
I almost fell. Praise God...I just stumbled.
Greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world" (1 John 4:4).