...The three of us.
This photo was taken at my church for Madi's dedication. Although it was one of the most important days I have had as a parent, I look at this picture and see the truth about our situation. I am FAT & unhappy with myself, Andy's probably not all that happy either and Madi looks troubled. And I know it's just the way the picture captured her and the black and white doesn't help matters, but it tells a story to me.
As some of you know already I have had some issues lately and have been a little down. I remember when hippies used to say they were "finding themselves" and how bizarre that sounded. Well, last year I came to know exactly how they felt minus the acid trip, lol!
Having Madi come into my life has been the best thing that has EVER happened to me. But, from the day she was born I have made her my whole life. I literally would not take my eyes off of her as an infant in fear of her choking...she later was diagnosed with acid reflux. And it just goes on and on. Never wanted to leave her even for an hour. So, what I thought was being a good mother was taking attention away from my marriage and my own identity as a person. I started getting lonely, empty, overwhelmed and FAT. And don't misunderstand me, as a Mom I was (and remain) on cloud 9. Would not trade it for the world! But as a woman, I started fading and sinking into a depression I have never experienced before.
This past summer I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I felt like running...but where? I took some time out for myself and reunited with some old friends, found a little piece of AMY again and lost the weight.
Did this solve everything? NO! But it did help a great deal. I started dressing the way I wanted to again. As a woman...for myself.
Sometimes we just have to take a break. I also have arthritis from giving birth and at 36 this can be a real bummer if I let it. I am so determined not to let this get me that I stay on my feet ALL day.
To make this long story short I would have days of should I stay or should I go. Should I throw in the towel and just start over? Can I get out of this rut, stay and Make this work? How do I balance myself between Andy and Madi?
I never knew how hard physically, mentally and emotionally being a stay at home mom could be. But I do know it is a gift, blessing and a privilege. So, I am trying to find the balance in being mom,wife and Amy. I am seeing things in a positive light, feeling blessed and taking it one day at a time.
Life is not just about her:
Him:
Or Me:
But the three of us...together...as a family.
So as my friend brought to my attention, which makes for the better story? A woman who finds herself again, starts a new life, independence, career, all on her own etc. Or, a story of people who take the road less traveled~for "better or worse" keeping a home unbroken?
Keep in mind:
Being a stay at home mom isn't always glamorous and marriage is daily work. And that marriages aren't really as pristine as they appear in the confines of church.
Like I have said before, I don't mind sharing my problems, we all have them and I hope if nothing else this will help other women know they are not alone in these struggles.
Thank you all for your prayers, comments, calls, hugs, tough love, emails or however it is you have helped me. I truly appreciate it.
*Again I am in no way saying if you are a divorced, single parent that you made the wrong choice.
8 comments:
Hang in there, Girlfriend:) You are an amazing woman, and you will make the right choices! Love you BUNCHES!!!
BTW - You. Look. MAHvelous;)
What you have described is a problem that also affects men in life. I too lost myself some place along the way. I have thought many times about starting over. Just walking away. All in the name of "finding myself" when it is not so much of me seeing me, it is more making everyone around me see me.
I found that I was trying so hard to make life easier for everyone else and neglecting myself. As a result I grew resentful and ended up hurting everyone I was trying so hard to help.
It has not been easy. When I realized that I had a voice and it was able to say "NO" people were not used to it. Especially my wife. To this day she is mad at me constantly and tells me what a selfish unsupporting bastard I really am. I look at it this way, I could go back to how I was and fight all the time out of frustration, or I can do what I need to do for me and pray that someday people accept the fact that I am not Superman. They are going to be mad whatever choice I make so I may as well make one person happy. That would be me.
My kids have appreciated the new me as well and it has brought us closer together. Something I would not trade for the world!
You and your family will be in my prayers Amy.
Okay, gotta say I'm so glad your background is white again so I can really read your words.
That being said, I think toughing it out and working together for the good of your marriage and family is the best thing you can do. It won't be easy, but I think you already know that.
I sincerely hope you know others are thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.
Stay positive, my dear. And keep on blogging those feelings because even if no one in the world read them you still are able to "vent" for lack of a better term.
It's a therapy all its own!
There is a lot of hope and encouragement in this post. I admire you for being so honest about your emotions.
Hugs!
"the road less traveled" doesn't that just say it all!
I love it when people are real... thanks for being real to us. And I applaud you for sticking it out and fighting for your marriage and for realizing you needed to discover yourself and who God intended you to be. It isn't easy, but God will never leave you nor forsake you and will give you the strength you need for each day.
Amy, you are the type of person that will come thru this with absolute strength. You may not realize it now, but confessing and knowing what is wrong and how to correct it is half the battle....NOW GO FOR THE GOLD!! Love and Prayers!!!
I'm glad that you decided to stay in your marriage...no matter how difficult it may seem, I know you will be glad that you fought for it!
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